hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
