I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
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