Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
