Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
