My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
