: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize