a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
