he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
