Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
