I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Randomize
