Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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