I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
