So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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