I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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