This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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