I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
