Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
