I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
