I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
