Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
