I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize