I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
