i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
