I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
