im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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