Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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