at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
i've created a new STD.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
