John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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