Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
