I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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