So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
