you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize