Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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