I want to make a zoo with you.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
