I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
