I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
