after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
