omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
