We're facebook friends in real life
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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