he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
