can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
