Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
