4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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