Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
