i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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