I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
