All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Randomize
