Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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