So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
