you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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