I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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