nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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