my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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