I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
