i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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