Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
