sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Randomize
