She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
