Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
