I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
