I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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