I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
