Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
