i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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