please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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