I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
