I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
