Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
